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All The Ways I Love You (And Never Had A Chance To Say…)


Resentments are poisonous to our inner world. We forget why we love. We forget how to love. And, the most painstakingly long-lasting effect of resentment is that we forget who we love. Then there’s the after shock. The ugly clean up. The emotional battle wounds that leave life long scars. Sometimes we get to open a box given by Grace and we get another chance to figure it all out and we get the honor of having one more moment to say “I Love You”.

If we accept Grace’s gift fully, we say it with a deep, appreciative, and resonate smile no matter what is stewing in our emotional plane, because the spiritual fact is that no resentment is worth holding back an “I Love You” in the form of a hello, a phone call, a kind look, a simple connection in sacred silence or a profound understanding of the paradoxical inner workings of our world.

This piece is dedicated to all those that have crossed our paths and we were too emotionally walled to say it, to mean it, to show it and never had the chance again to tell it. The “it” is our story about All The Ways I Love You (And Never Had a Chance to Say…):

~ That time you got angry with me and I could see your pain, but for some reason I got angry too and my heart hurt so much from all those years not talking to you. I felt your pain. I love you so much for showing me your hurt, because now I understand my shadow’s light.

~ Sometimes you would speak to me in codes and I dismissed it as annoying, bordering on harassment, maybe even crazy, but now I see the words in the songs were your hands reaching out for mine. I love you so much for showing me the rhymes of lost time.

~ That time I screamed obscenities in your face and you backed away from mine and I went into silent screams because the loudness was hanging like a dagger in the back of my head. My eyes averted. I turned away and no words ever spoken instead. I love you so much for showing me that the tar on my lips wasn’t the only scar stuck in my hips.

~ That time you held me to the ground, that hazy intimacy, was to other onlookers certainly unsound. I love you so much for showing me the depths of all the dirty little secrets our world has kept.

~ Remember that time I hung up the phone and you just knew I would call you back? But, I never did. The silence fed my veins with barbwire gains, so every time I rolled around looking for my latest distraction, I felt the sharp point go straight through my gut. It was the only thing that let the arsenic out. I love you so much for showing me how to extinguish my pride.

~ Oh, how could I forget that time you looked at me straight in the eyes and said, “I love you” and instead of saying anything back, fear cut my tongue and left you standing there in the doorway where that bottle of rum met the infamous numb. The only thing left was shattered glass running down my cheeks and a pool of red stained sheets. I love you so much for showing me the bloom in the darkest hours of humanity’s doom.

~ And, of course, that sly forbidden fruit of silence dressed in violence. Yes, all those words you didn’t say. I felt them each time my head hit the pillow and as the sun met my spirit in the new day, my heart felt worn and tattered from the violence each of those silent bullets scattered and created the most vulgar anti-matter. We could no longer be stirred, just separated. I love you so much for showing me the delicacy of spiritual strength, active voice, and beautiful boundaries.

We never know when that someone we hold so much resentment and anger towards will be gone from this great earth. Let’s ask ourselves if we can look past the coal-fired brimstone that can get stuck in our heart and our spirits when we interact with our alter egos in relationships and find the nectar of human love and connection, no matter what. That’s what healing is all about.

Telling the person that threw the bomb in your belly and struck the sword in your heart “I Love you…no matter what” is the same as telling yourself that you love you no matter what. You are worth it and so are we.

So if you never had that chance with the other person and they are still here, go tell them now. If they are gone, tell yourself because they will hear you whisper it to your spirit. Release the poison. Grace has a big enough cup to catch it all. In these moments, love doesn’t falter; it alters our course, one path and person at a time.

Om Shanti Om ~ Athea



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