The Human Yogi

*This is a satirical piece, not based on any particular real life situation, experience, person(s), using very broad brushstrokes of general truths with accents of hyperbole and oxymoron for effect.  Enjoy the laughs.

Hi, have we met?  I’m a yogi, but not just any yogi, I’m a yogi human.  Here are a few of my yogi human musings.

Some of my students, even followers perhaps, think I wear a halo over my head.  I actually do strive to live the light, but sometimes, I’m also consumed by darkness. Every now and then after I talk about conscious awareness, I fall back into my old patterns of dark destruction and pop back a few brewskies while screaming at my loved ones.  My students see light, I see light and dark. I’m not just a yogi, I’m a yogi human.

Then there are those times when I go to class and have to fake it just to make it.  I’m inundated with such anger and rage that I have to act my part.  I don’t really feel it, but I’m on the schedule to teach and somehow, someway, I must get into the zen zone.  I’ve tried all the tools I teach my students to use, but I’m consumed with anything but the light.  I make it through the class, but do so feeling mighty awkward about myself.  How can I teach the light when I’m feeling such darkness in my heart?  I’m not just a yogi, I’m a yogi human.

I was in a conversation with a friend the other day and before I knew it, I was no longer conscious of my words.  I kept gossiping about Ms. So and So and Mr. So and So.  Where is Don Miguel Ruiz when I need him?! The words just kept pouring out of my mouth and I couldn’t help remember a dear friend and student tell me once how amazing it was the way I talked since I was so careful with my word choices.  I thought in that instant that I must be a fraud.  But then I remembered, I’m not just a yogi, I’m a yogi human.

So when I get sick, I must not take good care of myself.  Can a yogi actually get sick and if they do, does that mean I’m not a yogi anymore?!  Does it mean I’m doing something wrong? Something must be wrong with me and my nature when I get sick. I’m sure it was all those salt water rinses getting my system overly clean.  Thank goodness I’m not just a yogi.  How can I possibly live up to those standards? I’m a yogi human, of course.

I love pictures.  I really love pictures of me.  And, I really love pictures of me doing yoga and I love to share them on social media.  Ego what?  It’s all in the name of spreading the light right, well, as long as I’m center stage.  Oh, yeah, I am center stage.  I am amazing.  I have no time for myself because I can’t get my nose out of my own image.  Oh well, thank goodness I’m not just a yogi.  I’m a yogi human.

I know all the great light and love books; I’ve read many of them and use many of them as guides in my life.  I love them so much, that if you don’t read them and only them, then you are one of them and not one of me. So we have no business even hanging out.  My mind is made up and your points of view are absurd and far from enlightened.   I’m sweating it on that one.  Thank goodness I’m not just a yogi, I’m a yogi human.

Unless you’ve gone to India, I have no room for you in my mental space.  You’re not really enlightened unless you have a guru from India.  How can you possibly be enlightened in your lulus doing splits parroting Mahatma Gandhi’s peace mantras?  All good yogis know that in order to be enlightened you must travel to the motherland.   I seriously just sat under my pine tree in the forest and had a similar vision as Buddha, but my words are minced besides Buddha. I go to India and I come back with a special name and have a new guru, now that’s enlightenment.   But hey, no one ever said I’m just a yogi.  I’m a human yogi.

All “real” yogis know that if I’m a business person, that I’m not a real yogi.  That’s so antithetical to being a yogi!  How can I be corporate and practice yoga?  But when it comes to my classes, I expect good pay.  I trained long and hard to be a yoga teacher and I expect my students to pay a good price for my classes.  I don’t think that means I’m a businessperson, I’m just teaching and expecting quality classes and quality pay.  It has nothing to do with supply and demand for quality and quantity.  It’s just about love.  That’s all. But hey, I’m not just a yogi.  I’m a yogi human.

I met this awesome guy yesterday and he said he practices the “real yoga”, ya know the real shabang!  And, I was like no way, because I practice the “real yoga”!  Well I didn’t like him too long, because before you knew it, we were both fighting about who practices the real yoga.  What was that guy thinking anyway?  Like he practices the real yoga, ha!  We all know that I practice the real yoga! I just can’t associate with someone who thinks he practices the real yoga when I’m practicing the real yoga. What does that say about me?  Thank goodness I’m not just a yogi, I’m a yogi human.

Ah, thank goodness for the human yogi, and not just the yogi.  This piece is meant to evoke more questions inwardly than to find outward answers.   Some of us tend to think and forget sometimes that when we delve ourselves in the yoga practice, we are not forms of idolatry or perfectionism; we are humans evolving and pushing an evolution in the direction of light and love with sprinklings of darkness, ego, and plenty of baggage that make our life colorful.  The paradoxes we escape from in the world of politics, religion, and relationships are just as prevalent in the world of yoga.  And, quite frankly, there’s nothing wrong with that.   We are human and no matter what cultural construct we put on, including yoga, we will find the same issues manifested in many of the same ways, but obviously a different context provokes different feelings and reactions.  Aren’t we all, even in our beloved lulu chocolate pants, doing the best we can?

So whether you are doing the REAL yoga, the Real yoga, or the Real Real yoga, just do some yoga and breathe.  Try it anywhere.  All you need is you and your commitment.  And, don’t forget to laugh along the way. Let’s stop taking life so seriously.  Laugh a little.  Laugh a lot.  But, when you laugh, don’t forget to laugh like a human yogi and acknowledge and love every beautiful bit of it.

Om Shanti Om ~ Athea

Athea